Praxisanleitung

How to Act Like You’re Getting Laid Even Though You Definitely Are Not

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Whether it’s a short-lived (compared to the lifespan of an oak) drought or what you mistook for a come-hither smile was an actual mirage, sometimes those (allegedly) numerous fish in the sea just aren’t biting. To belabor the angling (and mixed) metaphor, Talktotools.com offers some (also allegedly) helpful hints on convincing your friends and neighbors you’re catching some whoppers (so to speak).

1.    The Canadian Gambit

Immortalized by Anthony Michael Hall in “The Breakfast Club” and introduced to a whole new generation by Napoleon Dynamite, this ploy entails claiming to have a long-distance partner or significant other whom one’s actual acquaintances are unlikely ever to have the chance to meet. Disappearing for long weekends in order to maintain the deception is highly recommended, and the creation of a counterfeit email address and Facebook page is also a good idea. Just remember to get a scanner for the photos that come in those department store frames. Other concessions to this age of quick, cheap and easy communication include situating your mythical paramour in a region so remote that cellphone service is erratic at the best of times (no, not Niagara Falls).

2.    The Booty Call

Contrive for your phone to go off not only in front of the person or persons you wish to impress, but also at an otherwise highly inopportune moment, such as a meeting at work, Thanksgiving dinner, in church, etc. The abrupt, indeed downright rude haste with which you drop everything (not literally if it’s a christening) and dash to your fraudulent rendezvous after saying something like “if you saw him/her, you’d get it” will convince even the most skeptical bosses, relatives and co-worshippers that you must surely be gettin’ some triple-A strange. BONUS: get your phone to display risqué text alongside aforesaid department store pic.

3.    The Down-Low

When you’re with friends at a bar, club, or party, point out a comely, alluring acquaintance (or a complete stranger) and claim that the reason said person is completely ignoring you is because the two of you have a thing going on and you’re trying to keep it quiet and casual for now. NOTE: If the faux lover is a complete stranger to whom you find yourself being introduced later in the evening in the presence of your friends, the manner in which you handle this incident, and whether it makes your story more or less believable, is one of those degrees of separation between the true player and the mere amateur!

4.    The Hot Friend

If you have an extremely attractive, platonic, single friend whose sex corresponds to your orientation then why not allow a false conclusion to be drawn!?! Try to be seen at this friend’s side as often as possible, if necessary using the prospect of “a lot of cute guys/girls” as an inducement to come out with you. If you wish to let this friend in on your ruse, that’s your call, and it will obviously make the deception easier. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you wanted even one person to know how pathetic you are, now would you?

Assuming you are concerned with your image to the psychotic degree this article assumes, you will, therefore, be playing a double-game: trying to convince everyone but your friend that the two of you are sleeping together while keeping your friend unaware of what you are attempting to imply. One way of accomplishing this is through shameless public displays of affection, in which you shamelessly zig-back and zag-forth over all known boundaries of what is deemed appropriate or acceptable between platonic friends, all the while remaining well clear of what is deemed “harassment,” “molestation” or “rape.” Also highly recommended is a talent for changing the subject discreetly but firmly when confronted with such incriminating questions as “are you an item?”, “how long have you been together?” or “how much is he/she paying you?”

So that’s it: once you’ve mastered these laborious, labyrinthine lessons, you too will be a virtuoso at Acting Like You’re Getting Laid Even Though You Definitely Are Not. Some might protest that you’re better served by devoting the time and effort to actually getting laid, but let’s get real, folks.